May 20, 2010
Panel board cabinets and an ugly floor. That is what my new start has in it. That, an un-mowed ratty grass around a house in desperate need of paint.
But the location is good. A short walk to my son’s daycare and surrounded by a college with old Ivy-covered buildings and colorful trees that bloom reds, oranges, yellows, and greens in the Fall. Small local business shops nearby. An easy drive to work.
And a wrap-around porch where I can put flower pots, sit and drink iced-tea and play with my son.
I hope those were enough reasons to choose it and I hope that it doesn’t come back to be a choice I regret. I want to make a nice home for my son. I want to feel free from the nightmares my current home represents. Nightmares from living a lie within the walls and no matter where I stand in this place that used to be my home, I feel nauseous and I see memories of my married life and my husband who I thought was a normal, good man.
I want to go somewhere beautiful and nice.
But looking at the brown panel cabinets and the ugly floor that looks like it came from the bargain outlet, I don’t have the energy to do all the work it seems like it’s going to take to make this new place be that place.
I put the work into my marriage. I put the work into decorating our home. I’m tired. And I don’t want to do it all over again.