A New Place

May 20, 2010

Panel board cabinets and an ugly floor.  That is what my new start has in it.  That, an un-mowed ratty grass around a house in desperate need of paint.

But the location is good.   A short walk to my son’s daycare and surrounded by a college with old Ivy-covered buildings and colorful trees that bloom reds, oranges, yellows, and greens in the Fall.   Small local business shops nearby.   An easy drive to work.

And a wrap-around porch where I can put flower pots,  sit and drink iced-tea and play with my son.

I hope those were enough reasons to choose it and I hope that it doesn’t come back to be a choice I regret.  I want to make a nice home for my son.   I want to feel free from the nightmares my current home represents.   Nightmares from living a lie within the walls and no matter where I stand in this place that used to be my home, I feel nauseous and I see memories of my married life and my husband who I thought was a normal, good man.

I want to go somewhere beautiful and nice.

But looking at the brown panel cabinets and the ugly floor that looks like it came from the bargain outlet, I don’t have the energy to do all the work it seems like it’s going to take to make this new place be that place.

I put the work into my marriage.   I put the work into decorating our home.   I’m tired.   And I don’t want to do it all over again.

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