written January 14, 2011
When someone you loved betrays you, a dark wound opens up inside you that at times feels like it has taken you over (And by that, I mean that you open your eyes in the morning to a pounding eyeball headache. You want to pull the covers high up to your face and sleep. You go through each day wanting to be in bed so that all of the thoughts spinning through your head will be quiet)
All of the things you worried were “wrong” with you, so wrong that nobody could possibly love you, suddenly those things might be true. What you thought was love, was not. So what have you had? Nothing. Lies. A wound opens up and you feel like nothing will feel good and light again. You will never feel real love. Maybe for your children or your relatives or your pets but never again love by a partner.
If you are lucky, you have someone – a child – or something – a cat – that needs you. So you acknowledge you have a wound inside you, but you go on because someone or something needs you, counts on you.
You go on. And you nod and walk away and silently think unspeakable responses when people say you are better off, or, good thing it happened now while your child was an infant and not old enough to know any different.
When you have been betrayed by a trusted person and you suddenly have a wound of fears and insecure feelings about yourself, who you thought you were – a good wife, a loving person – is a joke. It was a joke to someone else who secretly hated you but went on sharing a bed with you. Someone who secretly resented you but held your hand and coached you through childbirth while you thought you were so lucky to have such a loving, good husband.
A wound inside you means everything you thought was real, was fake, and everything you feared and hoped was false, was real.