April 19, 2011
On my wedding day I felt what I figured was what every bride feels: the happiest most intense form of love (maybe a little stress mixed in from all the planning).
I wondered if it might not get any better than that moment of feeling pure love and happiness.
There was no way to know in 1 year or 3 or 5 – that marriage will NOT be love anymore. That it will feel so far from love that I would wonder how I could have ever felt the way I did in a white dress walking down the aisle to him. There was no way to know that in a number of years, it would be something very dark and sad.
There was no way to know, even though I have tried to look back and figure it out.
On my wedding day, I knew there was a risk to marriage but the voice that said “no, not to me” was a lot stronger.
So I made a very unpredictable but secure and genuine decision to say I Do. And I went from there with a level of blind trust that I now recognize should not be so assumed in wedding vows.
On my wedding day, if there was a voice that said “this is going to end badly” – I would not have heard it because I was marrying the man I wanted to marry. There was not one thought of doubt in my mind.
Only excitement and a feeling of security that I felt so lucky to have, finally.
I felt lucky.
I felt in love.
I felt appreciative.
I felt the excitement of wanting to see him at the alter and feeling like the best piece of my life would start today.
There was not a thought that it could end badly.
I miss the man I married. I keep pushing myself to accept he is gone and move on with my life in the other roles I have, but done as a wife. I think he might have destroyed that part of me and I think the role of wife will be a role in life that I will never have again. I wanted to be his wife. And now I don’t want to remember anything about being married because it makes me feel sick. I especially want to forget that one day where I thought I was starting the best piece of my life and making vows to a good man who I loved very much.