written January 15, 2011
There was a 6 year old girl in a Wonder Woman bathing suit and blue knee socks;
There was a second grade girl in an Annie costume with an itchy red wig;
There was a sixth grade girl in a white dress with a pink ribbon;
There was a teenager in a long velvet black dress her freshman year, a green and black lacy dress her sophomore year, and a green short velvet dress her junior year. There was a teenage girl who imagined herself in a light pink long dress, a dress left in her imagination for senior year.
There was a young woman in a purple bridesmaid dress, then a red one a few years later.
There was finally a woman in a beaded white dress walking down the aisle in a park she’d gone to since childhood – since the wonder woman bathing suit – toward the man she wanted to marry.
If all of those images of myself were in front of me today – which one would I be most sad for? The bride? The teenage girl who felt overlooked and lost? The young girl who was protective of her stuffed animals and toys? The child who wore a Wonder Woman bathing suit and pretended to be a superhero?
From a child, to a girl, to a teenager, to a young woman, I wondered if someone would ever love me. While friends paired up with boyfriends and went to proms, I wondered. While family and friends got married and I attended – single – wedding after wedding and bridal shower after bridal shower (to which I eventually refused to attend), I wondered. There were times it felt like there would never be a boy or a man who would want to know me and love me. I wondered. Then I worried. And then, finally, I got married.
I was married. And now I am not. I thought I was loved. And now I realize I was not. I don’t think I will wonder anymore if someone will ever want to know me and love me. I don’t think that will be worth any more of my time. I don’t believe I physically measure up to the women out there who are always lurking when you are with a man.
I don’t think I’m going to wonder anymore. I don’t think I’m going to believe that my life will involve someone loving me. I lived with and married someone who lied to me, faked feelings for me, plotted to leave me after I delivered our child. I don’t think I should waste time believing in love anymore. And I wonder which girl within me is saying that.